The Socio-Political Impact of Shrink Wrap

Barbara Woods Collins

I have always been fascinated by conspiracy theories. I don't necessarily believe all of them, mind you. But I also don't disbelieve them. I find it interesting to keep an open mind about whether Elvis might have been abducted by aliens.

There is one conspiracy plot, however, that is less widely known. It may be time to change that. Keep an open mind; it may save your life!

I once held the belief that shrink-wrap is an invention of the devil. I suspected this when I was younger--when my fingers were more likely to follow the careful directions supplied by my brain. Shrink-wrap was a nuisance, even then. Now that I am older and afflicted with terminal clumsiness, I find myself reconsidering my position about the origins of this hellacious phenomenon.

So…this is what I now believe. Shrink-wrap is a political conspiracy, designed to knock off an entire population of citizens--no one to be the wiser, no one held responsible.

Consider this: The senior population is growing by leaps and bounds, bringing with it the potential for tremendous political and economic impact. Add to this the fact that seniors tend to add financial and economic burdens to our economy as we age. We actually spend from the Social Security fund. We stop earning salaries and begin spending our nest eggs. We need medications. We go to the polls and vote against more road funding and vote for candidates who hint at socialized medicine. In a word, we are dangerous!

I'm not sure just how the decision was made to exterminate an entire population. But I'm very sure that shrink wrap and other product packaging proved to be the winning solution coming out of the "What will we do with the old folks?" think tank. Shrink-wrap has the power to prevent old people from eating, medicating ourselves, and opening practically any product necessary for life's daily activities. We will be shrink-wrapped into oblivion!

I can no longer open a package of sandwich slices. I stare at this tempting delicacy--devoid of any air, packaged to contain nothing but lovely ham slices. I pull and tug, but the package does not yield its contents. I try to read the directions, but of course they are written in print that needs microscopy to be read. I search for reading glasses, which someone has conveniently hidden from me (yet another element of the conspiracy). I locate a magnifying glass in the junk drawer, wipe the sweat from my brow, and read the directions. There is a spot, it seems, where one must begin the ripping process. Conspirators, however, have failed to supply such a spot. I grab a gigantic butcher knife and hack the sucker in half, releasing the food but totally destroying the convenient re-closable zippered container. I reach for a brand new package of re-usable plastic refrigerator containers and find it nicely shrink-wrapped for freshness.

This scene repeats itself throughout the day. Bottles and jars of food and medicine come to me safely protected from tampering--and seriously protected from any senior user. Music CDs meant to relax my frazzled nerves cause major anxiety when I spot the packaging. And on, and on…

Shrink-wrap has become the packaging process of the day. Don't you think it is just a bit suspicious that its popularity rise matches that of the rise in senior population?

Now let's talk about where Elvis really went…

©2003 Barbara Woods Collins

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